Jew-ISH

 Below is a scene I wrote for Second City. 

Please enjoy:

“Jew-ISH”

Written by: John Magallanez

Edited by: Amanda Williams

CAST

JOHN- 30’s

AMANDA - 30’s and Pregnant

(A living room.)

JOHN

What about the name “Abraham”?

AMANDA

Too Jewish.

JOHN

Whoa! What’s wrong with Jews?

AMANDA

Nothing's wrong with Jews, but we’re not...Jews.

JOHN

Jesus, you do know I’m Jewish, right?

AMANDA

Yeah, that’s the thing, John. You’re Jew-ISH.

(Amanda makes a “sort-of” hand gesture.)

JOHN

What do you mean, “Jew-ISH”?

(John mimics Amanda’s “Sort-of” hand gesture.)

Note the kippah! I’m Jew-

(John points to the kippah on his head.)

AMANDA

-ISH

(Amanda makes a “sort-of” hand gesture.)

JOHN

What? Cause my mom’s not technically a Jew, so I can’t be? This is who I am now, Amanda. This is what I believe.

AMANDA

Yeah, but is it though? I mean, I’d have no problem if that’s what you really believed. But do you really think that you’re Jewish?

JOHN

Amanda… Note the kippah.

(John points to the kippah on his head)

AMANDA

It’s a yarmulke!

JOHN

Well, we chosen people call it a “kippah”.

AMANDA

Have you even been to a synagogue with your “chosen people”?

JOHN

Yes...where do you think I got the kippah? Note!

(John points to the kippah on his head)

AMANDA

Yes, note the kippah! But have you ever been to a Jewish service?

JOHN

Yes...Well, no, but it’s only cause, I’m not practicing right now.

AMANDA

But you’ve never been practicing! You’ve never practiced! You wouldn’t even know how to practice! You’ve never even had challah bread that wasn’t a part of a hoagie!

JOHN

Hey! It’s not my fault challah bread is delicious on a hoagie! And are we seriously talking about practice? Practice?

AMANDA

Enough! I want answers. Three weeks ago, you came home wearing that damn “kippah”, with a My First TORAH, and started binge-watching Woody Allen flicks. And when I asked about it, you just yelled, “I’m a born-again Jew!” Which never made any goddamn sense, because you were raised Baptist!

JOHN

Oyyy the kvetching!

AMANDA

Stop! No more yiddish! And no more kippah!

(Amanda reaches for the kippah on John’s head)

JOHN

Noyy! I mean no!

(John holds the kippah with both hands.)

AMANDA

(Amanda pulls John’s ear lobe with one hand and his kippah with the other. Then gasps.)

AMANDA

Oh, you’re..

JOHN

Ow! Yes...I’m balding.

AMANDA

Like, bad!

JOHN

Yes, I know.

AMANDA

(Amanda covers mouth in shock.)

Oh my God, do you have cancer?

JOHN

No! No, I’m just balding...

AMANDA

It’s like you got naired! 

JOHN

...

AMANDA

 

 So, that’s why you’ve been pretending to be Jewish?

JOHN

Yeah, I just, I saw the bald spot at work a few weeks ago. I was in denial. We haven’t even had our kid and I’m already going bald! I even left work early and I stopped by the temple near by. I thought maybe I was being too vain about this whole thing and needed a little religion, but then I saw this sweet kippah for sale and thought maybe I could fake it. And I also remembered that I love Woody Allen’s Bananas movie… So, you’re right, I’m not a Jew. Okay?  I’m not even Jewish. I’m just bald.

AMANDA

-ISH.

(Amanda makes a “sort-of” hand gesture)

...Hey, what about the name Woody?

JOHN

Meh, too Jewish.

(Blackout.)