“Inheritor's Hotel”
CAST
HUSBAND - 40’s
WIFE - 40’s
DESK ASSISTANT - 20’s
OMAR - 30’s
MAHBOOB - 30’s
(Desk Assistant is behind a desk in a hotel lobby. Husband and Wife enter the scene. Wife is speaking to Husband.)
WIFE
Now remember, Jerry, we’re not interested in whatever they’re selling. We can’t afford for you to say yes to another time-share.
HUSBAND
We’ve been over this. Look, Vegas was the last time that I’ll be suckered by a novelty shirt and a round of beer.
DESK ASSISTANT
Welcome to the Inheritors Hotel!
(Desk Assistant mumbles quickly under his breath, “Death to all infidels.”)
How may I help you?
HUSBAND
Hey buddy, we’re the Smiths. We reserved a spot for the free dinner and hotel room.
DESK ASSISTANT
Ohh, great! You’ll be in room 38, dinner’s at 7, and Omar will start the ISIS pitch.
WIFE
Wait, the what pitch?
DESK ASSISTANT
(Stares at Wife.
Beat.
Looks at Husband and smiles.)
The ISIS pitch.
WIFE
ISIS!? Like ISIS, ISIS?
DESK ASSISTANT
(Stares at Wife.
Beat.
Shakes head in disgust.
Looks at Husband and smiles.)
Yes, the flight, the dinner, and the room are all complimentary as long as you hear our pitch.
HUSBAND
Jesus, look, there must be some misunderstanding. We just heard about the free trip and dinner. There wasn’t any talk abou-
OMAR & MAHBOOB
(Omar and Mahboob enter.)
OMAR
-Hello Mr. and Mrs. Smith! I’m glad that you could make it. I’m Omar and this is Mahboob.
(Beat.)
HUSBAND
Look, I’m sorry, Omar, this is a big misunderstanding. We’re going to head out now. It was nice to meet you and you as well, um, Man-boob.
MAHBOOB
Stay for the pitch.
(Mahboob blocks the exit and folds arms.)
I insist.
HUSBAND
Look, I don’t think this is for us. We’re kind of like Americans and you guys are kind of like,
(High pitch voice “Kill the Americans!”.)
WIFE
Yes! I agree, we should really get going.
DESK ASSISTANT & OMAR & MAHBOOB
(Desk Assistant, Omar, and Mahboob stare at Wife.
Beat.
Shake their heads in disgust.
All look at Husband and smile.)
OMAR
No, don’t be silly, of course you are welcome in ISIS!
(Omar mumbles under his breath,
“Just promise complete and utter obedience.”)
Look, Mr. Smith, there are no hard feelings. Yes or no, you will still get the free dinner and hotel stay.
HUSBAND
Well… (Beat.) when in Iraq, I guess.
OMAR
Excellent! Death to all infidels.
DESK ASSISTANT & MAHBOOB
Death to all infidels!
HUSBAND & WIFE
(Husband and wife look at each other uncomfortably.)
Death to all the infidels…
HUSBAND
So, who are the infidels?
OMAR
Great question! Anyone who doesn’t obey sharia law. So as an ISIS member, you have the right to behead and OR ruin the crops of Shia, non-believers, and politicians.
HUSBAND
Hmm...You know, I would like to ruin the crops of a couple politicians.
OMAR
Of course you would! As an ISIS member you will also get to tell people that the world’s ending.
HUSBAND
Fun! Wait, why would I do that?
OMAR
Think about it. Nobody talks about the world ending anymore. So… that’s a sign that it must be ending!
WIFE
But you guys talk about it all the time.
OMAR
(Stares at Wife.
Beat.
Shakes head.
Looks at Husband and smiles.)
A membership also comes with the right to own slaves, to stone adulterers, and you get a nice members only jacket that says, “Who farted?” on the back.
HUSBAND
(Husband laughs.)
That is a pretty funny jacket.
WIFE
(Elbows husband in the gut.)
HUSBAND
.. What’s the catch?
OMAR
No catch! You just have to say yes!
HUSBAND
You know, what the hell? I’ll go with my gut on this one. I’m in!
OMAR
Excellent! A round of O’douls Mahboob!
HUSBAND
Whoa! O’Douls? Like the non-alcoholic beer?
OMAR
Yes of course, Mr. Smith! We don’t drink alcohol here! O’Doul’s is the official drink of ISIS!
Husband
(Stares at Omar.
Beat.
Grabs wife’s hand while still looking at Omar.
Shakes head.
Leads wife to door.)
(Blackout.)
