Inheritor's Hotel

“Inheritor's Hotel”

CAST

HUSBAND - 40’s

WIFE - 40’s

DESK ASSISTANT - 20’s

OMAR - 30’s

MAHBOOB - 30’s

(Desk Assistant is behind a desk in a hotel lobby. Husband and Wife enter the scene. Wife is speaking to Husband.)

WIFE

   

Now remember, Jerry, we’re not interested in whatever they’re selling. We can’t afford for you to say yes to another time-share.

     

HUSBAND

We’ve been over this. Look, Vegas was the last time that I’ll be suckered by a novelty shirt and a round of beer.

DESK ASSISTANT

Welcome to the Inheritors Hotel!

(Desk Assistant mumbles quickly under his breath, “Death to all infidels.”)

How may I help you?

HUSBAND

Hey buddy, we’re the Smiths. We reserved a spot for the free dinner and hotel room.          

DESK ASSISTANT

Ohh, great! You’ll be in room 38, dinner’s at 7, and Omar will start the ISIS pitch.

WIFE

Wait, the what pitch?

DESK ASSISTANT

(Stares at Wife.

Beat.

Looks at Husband and smiles.)

The ISIS pitch.

WIFE

ISIS!? Like ISIS, ISIS?

DESK ASSISTANT

(Stares at Wife.

Beat.

Shakes head in disgust.

Looks at Husband and smiles.)

Yes, the flight, the dinner, and the room are all complimentary as long as you hear our pitch.

HUSBAND

Jesus, look, there must be some misunderstanding. We just heard about the free trip and dinner. There wasn’t any talk abou-

OMAR & MAHBOOB

(Omar and Mahboob enter.)

OMAR

-Hello Mr. and Mrs. Smith! I’m glad that you could make it. I’m Omar and this is Mahboob.

(Beat.)

HUSBAND

Look, I’m sorry, Omar, this is a big misunderstanding. We’re going to head out now. It was nice to meet you and you as well, um, Man-boob.

MAHBOOB

Stay for the pitch.

                (Mahboob blocks the exit and folds arms.)

I insist.

HUSBAND

Look, I don’t think this is for us. We’re kind of like Americans and you guys are kind of like,

(High pitch voice “Kill the Americans!”.)

WIFE

Yes! I agree, we should really get going.

DESK ASSISTANT & OMAR & MAHBOOB

(Desk Assistant, Omar, and Mahboob stare at Wife.

Beat.

Shake their heads in disgust.

All look at Husband and smile.)

OMAR

No, don’t be silly, of course you are welcome in ISIS!

(Omar mumbles under his breath,

“Just promise complete and utter obedience.”)

Look, Mr. Smith, there are no hard feelings. Yes or no, you will still get the free dinner and hotel stay.

HUSBAND

Well… (Beat.) when in Iraq, I guess.

OMAR

Excellent! Death to all infidels.

DESK ASSISTANT & MAHBOOB

Death to all infidels!

HUSBAND & WIFE

(Husband and wife look at each other uncomfortably.)

Death to all the infidels…

HUSBAND

So, who are the infidels?

OMAR

Great question! Anyone who doesn’t obey sharia law. So as an ISIS member, you have the right to behead and OR ruin the crops of Shia, non-believers, and politicians.   

HUSBAND

Hmm...You know, I would like to ruin the crops of a couple politicians.

OMAR

Of course you would! As an ISIS member you will also get to tell people that the world’s ending.

HUSBAND

Fun! Wait, why would I do that?

OMAR

Think about it. Nobody talks about the world ending anymore. So… that’s a sign that it must be ending!

WIFE

But you guys talk about it all the time.

OMAR

(Stares at Wife.

Beat.

Shakes head.

Looks at Husband and smiles.)

A membership also comes with the right to own slaves, to stone adulterers, and you get a nice members only jacket that says, “Who farted?” on the back.

HUSBAND

(Husband laughs.)

That is a pretty funny jacket.

WIFE

(Elbows husband in the gut.)

HUSBAND

.. What’s the catch?

OMAR

No catch! You just have to say yes!

HUSBAND

You know, what the hell? I’ll go with my gut on this one. I’m in!

OMAR

Excellent! A round of O’douls Mahboob!

HUSBAND

Whoa! O’Douls? Like the non-alcoholic beer?

OMAR

Yes of course, Mr. Smith! We don’t drink alcohol here! O’Doul’s is the official drink of ISIS!

Husband

(Stares at Omar.

Beat.

Grabs wife’s hand while still looking at Omar.

Shakes head.

Leads wife to door.)

(Blackout.)