John Magallanez - 2014 Stand Up Set

Sketch Noir

“Sketch Noir”

Written By: John Magallanez

Edited By: Amanda Williams

CAST

PRIVATE EYE- 30’s - Classic Humphrey Bogart-like detective.

SHE - Seductive Lauren Bacall-like lady.

HE - Creepy man and murderer.

SECRETARY - Older lady.

(A private eye office with a desk, a coat rack, and a bookshelf in the background.)

PRIVATE EYE

(PRIVATE EYE steps forward and addresses the audience as the narrator.)

It was a normal day in the office. A pile of divorce cases and a pile of angry husbands. But that all changed... when she walked in. She had curves in all the right places. And some curves in the the wrong ones, but hey, nobody’s perfect... The type of woman who could lie to your face. The type of woman whose hips don’t.

(PRIVATE EYE nods his head towards the door and steps back into the scene.)

SHE

(SHE walks in with her hips going side to side in a seductive manner.

SHE stops walking once she reaches the middle of the office but her hips keeps going for a second.)

Is this the strong-witted, distrustful, and surprisingly-competent-for-a-drunk, private eye?

PRIVATE EYE

Depends… Who wants to know? Are you a potential love interest or... a fatal attraction?

SHE

Depends...What’s the difference to ya,

(SHE shakes hips to the left and right as she says the following.)

big boy?

PRIVATE EYE

A love interest - is a symbol of my lost innocence. A fatal attraction - persuades me to go down a dark, dark road. And I’ve been down enough of those, toots.

(PRIVATE EYE looks into the distance dramatically. Then turns back to SHE.)

So which are ya?

SHE

(SHE gets close to private eye and puts her finger on his chest.)

Depends... Is a dark, dark road, so dark... with the right company?

PRIVATE EYE

(PRIVATE EYE steps back and fixes his tie.)

Depends... I prefer the wrong company.

SECRETARY

(SECRETARY enters the office.)

Depends. Sir, your father called and said he would like more Depends. Would you like me to order them?

PRIVATE EYE

Depends, is he actually using them or is he giving them out as poker chips again?

SECRETARY

I’ll find out, Sir.

(SECRETARY leaves the office.)

PRIVATE EYE

(PRIVATE EYE takes out a box of cigarettes from his back pocket and bounces the box on the side of the leg.

PRIVATE EYE pulls a cigarette out and puts it in his mouth.

PRIVATE EYE puts the box of cigarettes in his back pocket. He starts talking with the cigarette in his mouth.)

Look baby-doll-cheeks, I don’t have all day to be meta with you. What’s your case?

(PRIVATE EYE pulls out lighter and lights cigarette.)

SHE

It’s my father... I believe he was murdered.

PRIVATE EYE

(PRIVATE EYE blows out smoke.)

I’m not homicide.

SHE

But you’re the only one I can trust… look I can’t go to the police... the men that killed him bought off half the department.

PRIVATE EYE

(PRIVATE EYE inhales some smoke and blows it out slowly. And says very calmly.)

In that case, I’m not suicide…

Look, I know you can trust me because I’m the best, but you---

SHE

-Oh I don’t trust you cause you’re the best.

PRIVATE EYE

Oh yeah, then why me?

(PRIVATE EYE inhales some smoke slowly.)

SHE

Cause you have no ties to those murderers. Or real ties to your family... Or lovers... Or friends. You’re just so alone and-

PRIVATE EYE

(PRIVATE EYE coughs out the smoke. Voice squeaks.)

-Hey hey, I have family and friends! I got my dad and my friends. . Humphrey.. Bogart and .. Secretary.

SECRETARY

(SECRETARY enters the office.)

Sir, your father said to go screw yourself. He said that he’d rather deal with the shit in his pants than you. Good news, though, Humphrey and Bogart’s favorite cat food is on sale. Would you like me to order the usual?

PRIVATE EYE

(Frustrated.)

Yes...thank you, that will be all, secretary...

SECRETARY

Yes Sir.

(SECRETARY leaves the office.)

SHE

You see, you’re the perfect loner for the job.

PRIVATE EYE

(PRIVATE EYE puts out cigarette on his desk and turns away from SHE to look at a bookshelf.)

Look, sweet-pie-honey-bunch, you got the wrong guy. I have friends. Let me show you my P.I. School yearbook...

HE

(HE enters with his back against the wall and quietly slides in and has his finger over his mouth to indicate, “SHHH”.)

SHE

I don’t have time for these games I-

HE

(HE creeps in behind SHE on his tip toes and sways his arms like he is doing the thriller dance.  Then HE stabs SHE in the back with a knife.

HE covers her mouth and walks her out the door.

He creeps back in and looks at the audience and puts his finger over his mouth to indicate, “SHHH”.”

He waves his hands and disappears.)

PRIVATE EYE

I just don’t see.. Ah yes!

(PRIVATE EYE finds book and holds it up. PRIVATE EYE opens the book and turns around.)

See! I was voted most popular in P.I. online university! Where’d she go? ... Now who's playing games?

(PRIVATE EYE grabs a coat from a coat rack and swings it over his shoulder and steps toward the audience and plays the narrator.)

I was going to call it a day. And then HE creeped in.

(PRIVATE EYE nods his head towards the door and steps back into the scene.)

HE

(HE creeps in on his tip toes and sways his arms like he is doing the thriller dance.)

Is this the strong-witted, distrustful, and surprisingly-competent-for-a-drunk, private eye?

PRIVATE EYE

Depends… you looking for a friend?

(Blackout.)

Inheritor's Hotel

“Inheritor's Hotel”

CAST

HUSBAND - 40’s

WIFE - 40’s

DESK ASSISTANT - 20’s

OMAR - 30’s

MAHBOOB - 30’s

(Desk Assistant is behind a desk in a hotel lobby. Husband and Wife enter the scene. Wife is speaking to Husband.)

WIFE

   

Now remember, Jerry, we’re not interested in whatever they’re selling. We can’t afford for you to say yes to another time-share.

     

HUSBAND

We’ve been over this. Look, Vegas was the last time that I’ll be suckered by a novelty shirt and a round of beer.

DESK ASSISTANT

Welcome to the Inheritors Hotel!

(Desk Assistant mumbles quickly under his breath, “Death to all infidels.”)

How may I help you?

HUSBAND

Hey buddy, we’re the Smiths. We reserved a spot for the free dinner and hotel room.          

DESK ASSISTANT

Ohh, great! You’ll be in room 38, dinner’s at 7, and Omar will start the ISIS pitch.

WIFE

Wait, the what pitch?

DESK ASSISTANT

(Stares at Wife.

Beat.

Looks at Husband and smiles.)

The ISIS pitch.

WIFE

ISIS!? Like ISIS, ISIS?

DESK ASSISTANT

(Stares at Wife.

Beat.

Shakes head in disgust.

Looks at Husband and smiles.)

Yes, the flight, the dinner, and the room are all complimentary as long as you hear our pitch.

HUSBAND

Jesus, look, there must be some misunderstanding. We just heard about the free trip and dinner. There wasn’t any talk abou-

OMAR & MAHBOOB

(Omar and Mahboob enter.)

OMAR

-Hello Mr. and Mrs. Smith! I’m glad that you could make it. I’m Omar and this is Mahboob.

(Beat.)

HUSBAND

Look, I’m sorry, Omar, this is a big misunderstanding. We’re going to head out now. It was nice to meet you and you as well, um, Man-boob.

MAHBOOB

Stay for the pitch.

                (Mahboob blocks the exit and folds arms.)

I insist.

HUSBAND

Look, I don’t think this is for us. We’re kind of like Americans and you guys are kind of like,

(High pitch voice “Kill the Americans!”.)

WIFE

Yes! I agree, we should really get going.

DESK ASSISTANT & OMAR & MAHBOOB

(Desk Assistant, Omar, and Mahboob stare at Wife.

Beat.

Shake their heads in disgust.

All look at Husband and smile.)

OMAR

No, don’t be silly, of course you are welcome in ISIS!

(Omar mumbles under his breath,

“Just promise complete and utter obedience.”)

Look, Mr. Smith, there are no hard feelings. Yes or no, you will still get the free dinner and hotel stay.

HUSBAND

Well… (Beat.) when in Iraq, I guess.

OMAR

Excellent! Death to all infidels.

DESK ASSISTANT & MAHBOOB

Death to all infidels!

HUSBAND & WIFE

(Husband and wife look at each other uncomfortably.)

Death to all the infidels…

HUSBAND

So, who are the infidels?

OMAR

Great question! Anyone who doesn’t obey sharia law. So as an ISIS member, you have the right to behead and OR ruin the crops of Shia, non-believers, and politicians.   

HUSBAND

Hmm...You know, I would like to ruin the crops of a couple politicians.

OMAR

Of course you would! As an ISIS member you will also get to tell people that the world’s ending.

HUSBAND

Fun! Wait, why would I do that?

OMAR

Think about it. Nobody talks about the world ending anymore. So… that’s a sign that it must be ending!

WIFE

But you guys talk about it all the time.

OMAR

(Stares at Wife.

Beat.

Shakes head.

Looks at Husband and smiles.)

A membership also comes with the right to own slaves, to stone adulterers, and you get a nice members only jacket that says, “Who farted?” on the back.

HUSBAND

(Husband laughs.)

That is a pretty funny jacket.

WIFE

(Elbows husband in the gut.)

HUSBAND

.. What’s the catch?

OMAR

No catch! You just have to say yes!

HUSBAND

You know, what the hell? I’ll go with my gut on this one. I’m in!

OMAR

Excellent! A round of O’douls Mahboob!

HUSBAND

Whoa! O’Douls? Like the non-alcoholic beer?

OMAR

Yes of course, Mr. Smith! We don’t drink alcohol here! O’Doul’s is the official drink of ISIS!

Husband

(Stares at Omar.

Beat.

Grabs wife’s hand while still looking at Omar.

Shakes head.

Leads wife to door.)

(Blackout.)