Trust Me, I Found a Therapist

I've been feeling crummy lately. 

So I finally decided to go see a doctor. 

Not just any run of the mill doctor (is that an actual saying?), 

but a licensed clinical psychologist.

I know what you're thinking, 

"Crazy!" 

(I know, right! I'm literally mentally ill)

It's funny how nobody needed to ask me why I decided to go.

Maybe my friends and family realized something was wrong when I stopped answering my phone calls (for the past five years).

Also, I guess I'm more open about my feelings than I realized.

Which must be a bummer for everyone following me on Twitter.

Anyways, I decided to go to the Chicago Depression and Anxiety Clinic (for obvious reasons). I called the clinic about a month ago, but they never returned my calls--I guess business is just that good in non-summer Chicago. I found it surprisingly hard to set up an appointment. With all of these out-of-work psychology majors, you'd think you'd see at least a couple people on each corner, soliciting advice for a nickel,  Lucy (from the Peanut's gang) style. Good grief!

Looking for a psychologist made me feel like I was a creepy single guy looking for an online date. I even started getting picky about who I called. I didn't want a therapist that was too young and textbook, but I also didn't want a therapist that was too old and dusty. But every time I would make a call, I'd either get no response at all, or the psychologist would tell me that his or her schedule was booked. I started losing confidence that I was even going to find a therapist. Then I would see some psychologists online who had degrees from Harvard and specialties in trauma, and I started thinking that they were just way out of my league. But my friends would remind me that there aren't any leagues, and it's all about my personality...disorder.

I went through a phase where I tried to help myself using self help books. That didn't work because I'm not much of a "reader" (and SparkNotes couldn't help me this time). Finally one psychologist, who was booked, set me up for a blind therapy session with one of her friends, Dr. Peppermint (Note: Dr. Peppermint is not her real name, I just don't know if the doctor-patient confidentiality is a two way road.)  

Last Wednesday was my first session. The building was cold, dimly lit, and made of 93% linoleum. It was an environment that ensured repeat customers.

In contrast, Dr. Peppermint's office was cozy. She had a nice leather couch, some baby-sized Milky Ways, and the essential cold AND hot water cooler. Our first session was nice and painless. She asked me questions for about 45 minutes:

Why are you here?

I have a lot of anxiety and I'm depressed. 

Are you manic?

No.

Schizophrenic?

No. 

PTSD?

No.

An alcoholic?

Define alcoholic...

Do you need alcohol to wake up in the morning?

No, but by that definition I'm a coffee-holic. (Fake laugh)

Do you want to hurt anyone?

No. (Hmm...)

Have you ever planned how to kill yourself?

I'm not much of a "planner."

Do you like your family?

Yes.

Do you have a good relationship with your mother?

Yes, we don't talk much.

Does anyone in your family have a history of anxiety?

My dad's a Dallas Cowboys fan.

Do you like your job?

Oh, it's terrible. (Tangent...)

I actually want to be a comedian... (Suddenly, she has a lot to write down.)

How do you feel at malls?

I get uncomfortable.

Why?

Because, for some reason, I think other people worry that I'm going to steal or do something bad. 

So you think other people are judging you?

Yes, people suck! Good call, Doctor Pep!

45 minutes later...

"Well, it seems that you're depressed and have anxiety."

Oh, maybe that's why I'm here... at the anxiety and depression clinic. Another good call! 

Dr. Peppermint went on to explain Cognitive Behavior Therapy, and I went on to pretend as if I haven't read about it in my collection of failed self-help books. My next session is Monday. I'll keep you updated unless it gets too personal (in that case, I'll save it for the stage).

In all seriousness (good paragraph opener), I have a lot of hope for these therapy sessions. Depression and anxiety are issues that have reoccurred throughout my life and it's time for me to address them properly. I realized how selfish it is that I haven't before. I'm terrified of these sessions and I'm not sure why. I hope I can stay as patient with myself as my friends and family have been with me. Maybe I'll even start answering my phone! :) 

Trust me, I learned a lesson

I was a mess this past week. My writing was horribly depressing, I stopped working out, and no matter what I did, I just couldn't get back on my normal poop schedule. I'd been too nervous thinking about my first tv/radio appearance. I kept imagining the absolute worst. But as bad as I imagined, nothing could prepare me for how awful this experience truly was...

Yesterday, I was on the [for the sake of professionalism,
I removed the name of the show] show and wow, what a God-awful experience that was. The host is a right-winged nut. Just a manipulative jerk who exploits people on the air and then immediately kisses their butt to save face. He was such a coward that he would turn everyone's mic off the second someone would disagree with him, then he'd put words in their mouth, and claim to win the one-sided conversation. He made Sheri Speede, a veterinarian and founder of the Sanaga-Yong Chimpanzee Rescue center, sad by describing, in excruciating detail, the horrific ways people beat chimpanzees and after she left, he falsely claimed that she was angry and said chimpanzees taste like chicken. He got mad at me because I told him that he was being too harsh on an elderly guest and cut my mic for the majority of the show. He would lie about doing noble things like paying homeless people to be extras on his show. I know this because, after the extras were properly embarrassed, they would whisper to me, "Yeah, we're really not homeless." Then he would pretend things were going on in the studio, like two guests were fighting, and he staged all the phone calls so he could look quick witted and always in the right. He treated his staff poorly and would often yell at his producer between each take. He's everything I despise in people all clumsily packed into a freak wearing hypno-glasses. But I'll spare you guys of how I really feel. And thankfully, I really did learn a lot of lessons from this experience: 

Saying "no" is the most empowering thing you can do.

When I first arrived at the studio, I was asked to put on a costume. For a second, I was convinced that I had to do it. Then I said, "Oh no, I'd rather not.." So the producer politely backed off. But what if I didn't say no? I could have put myself through the most humiliating experience in my life, and all because I didn't know I had a choice. So don't be afraid to say no, because it's always an option.

Stick to what you're comfortable with

In his book, The Secrets of Good Communication, Larry King writes that one of the secrets to successfully representing yourself (on radio or television) is to make sure you're comfortable with what you're doing. If not, then return the clown costume and leave before your parking meter gets too expensive.

Avoid negative thinking

You have to go in with the right attitude and I'm sure mine could have been better. Also, even though my interview was important to some of my friends and me, it could never make or break me. My two hours of nervously smiling in the background of a tv show won't change the course of civilization. Unless the world does, in fact, revolve around me. In that case we're all doomed!

Do your research

I didn't do enough research on the 
* show. I asked a couple people about the show and listened to a couple segments, but I really had no idea what to expect. That was my fault, and probably one of the reasons I've taken this experience so poorly. So know what you're getting into or else, one Tuesday morning, you'll find yourself on tv, watching videos of a guy with a bubble wrap fetish, next to a nurse covered in fake blood, all before you had your morning coffee. And that's always a bummer. 

Say "Yes" to every job? 

If I've learned anything from Ryan Seacrest (and oh I have!), it's that you take every job you're given. One of the first comedians I worked with, Alex "Kool-Aid" Ansel, told me that you should take every gig you're given and if you're wrong for the show, that's the booker's fault. Which is absolutely true, sometimes you can be wrong for the show, but now I realized that a show can also be wrong for you. If it is wrong for you, then I think it's time to awkwardly say, "Oh... no, thank you,", moonwalk out the door, and bail to go get a cup of coffee (Cause coffee.) 

Know what you're worth!

I was first told this by Larry Garza, of Comedia A Go-Go fame. He has a duo comedy act with one of his friends (I'm assuming their friends, but maybe they hate each other), Regan. When a producer tries to book them both as the headliner, but only only offers enough money to cover one of them, Larry will politely decline and offer to have only one of them do the show (or maybe offer the show to his Uncle, Jesus "Who Farted" Mendoza). He knows what his act is worth and whats worth his time. It's not greedy or selfish. He rightfully values his time. If you know what you're worth, then nobody can ever undervalue you or what you do for a living. I still don't know what I'm worth, but now I know that I'm worth more than -$42.00 in parking fees.

But I don't know anything. All of these lessons are ideas that I'm constantly evolving as I figure out what I'm doing with my life. If nothing else, I truly learned that nothing compares to being on stage for me. I don't mind going to open mics, because there is a lot of value in honing my craft. I'm motivated more than ever to get better at stand up. 

And that's how John Magallanez, got his poop schedule back.

Peace

PS: I truly am thankful for the opportunity and I wish I could have done more with it. Thank you again to Elijah King and UDC entertainment for allowing me to be a part of something like this. Even if it didn't go so well, I appreciate the chance to try something new. 

Trust me, it's a thing

I found out yesterday that I'm going to be a guest on the Mancow radio/TV show. Which is a thing! I'm nervous because, when I was asked to be on the show, I didnt know it was a thing. We don't have the Mancow show down south. In the south we just have cow shows and that's more or less a different thing. But everyone from Chicago keeps telling me the Mancow show is a big thing and now I'm nervous and way off my poop schedule... (I honestly thought that my first television appearance in Chicago would be on the 11 o'clock news after smiling in the wrong neighborhood.) But this is great news!  Check out details on the show here and I'll keep you updated! I'll be on next Tuesday.

Trust me, I'm trying

I'm really trying to get healthier.

 I'm tired of having old man problems at the age of twenty four. 

My Achilles hurts, my back aches, and kids just won't get off my lawn (even though I don't have one.)!

It sucks knowing that I'll probably grow up to be Grandpa Hunchback with a walker. 

By the way, how terrible do walkers look? I think we've made it pretty obvious that we don't give two hugs about old people. We're about five years away from having personal light sabers, yet, the best walker accessory we've got is a dirty tennis ball with a puncture wound.

Trust me, I need a day job.

I went to the gym everyday last week. 

So now I really need to start working out, 

cause apparently it's "weird" if you just go to Planet Fitness to take showers. 

Planet fitness, by the way, claims to be a "judgement free zone," 

but if I show up with only a towel and a loofah, the staff gets all Judge Judy about me being there.

Especially since I don't have a "membership."

Since I started doing comedy, I've been trying to figure out a good day job. Like most college graduates, I have no money. In fact, I have negative money or, you know, student loans. On top of that,  I consider myself an artist. Which is worse than having student loans, because suddenly I have too much integrity to sell out for a better paying job. If I was asked to give kids advice on how to be successful, it would be this: Work hard, be patient with yourself, and most importantly, sell out! Forget your dreams, kids! They're dead! What's not dead is a 9-5 job in human resources...But of course I would never say that, because I'm a dreamer, and my definition of success doesn't include a 401k (Sorry, Dad).

Don't get me wrong though, I'm not poor.  I'm just financially challenged (for example: I have stuff in my wallet, but at the same time, it doesn't really matter if I forget it at home). And I really am grateful for the job I have as a customer service rep. I don't love my job, because it basically pays me minimum wage, but it does provide me with enough money to invest in things I do love (like my girlfriend, my health, and spaghetti). The main reason having a minimum wage job is a bummer is that if you work there long enough, you begin to feel like you're only worth minimum wage. You feel replaceable and valueless (and nobody should feel like that besides the guy who invented pop-up ads).

Ideally, I want a day job that is meaningful to me, provides a flexible schedule for me to do comedy, and gives me as much money as possible (for as little work as possible). So I decided that I'm going to work to be a certified personal trainer. Which will be difficult because I don't look like a personal trainer. Personal trainers all have that same look that I don't have. They look healthy. 

Trust me, I'm not a politician.

     In high school, I ran for vice president. Each candidate, including me, was going to give a speech. I had a big problem with this, mainly because nobody told me I had to give a speech. I didn't even know vice presidents had to talk. Speeches seem more like an executive privilege (similar to approving legislation, or vetoing legislation, or Marilyn Monroe.) I should have run for historian. Historians are never asked to give a speech. Long-ago, historians tricked us by unanimously deciding to sound dusty and mono-toned. And I'm convinced the reason why history is doomed to repeat itself, is because nobody has ever asked a historian to repeat himself.

     On the day of elections, the entire student body packed into our auditorium. As the other candidates read their nicely printed monologues, which included clever JFK, MLK Jr., and Soulja Boi allusions, I was trying to piece together at least one coherent sentence. Suddenly, it was my turn. I thought, "Maybe I can just run away, learn Spanish guitar, and start a new life as a drifter in Mexico." Unfortunately, that solution was absurd. I have little to no Spanish-speaking skills and my fingers are too stubby for even a Spanish guitar.

     For the first, but not last, time in my life, I walked up to a microphone. My knees got weak and I had to consciously stop myself from locking them. Then a comforting presence came over me. I picked up the mic. I looked at the sea of students in the room and said, "I'm John Magallanez... enough said." I dropped the mic and walked off the stage. The crowd of kids roared with laughter and cheers. I just made my first audience laugh and it felt amazing.

The results were in

I ended up losing the election

by a lot.

Dead last to be exact.

But if it was a comedy contest,

I'm sure I would have gotten 2nd.

The Science of Comedy

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'

- Isaac Asimov

We all grew up as scientists. When we were young, we would see something new, we thought it looked funny, and then we mistakenly put it in our mouths (Who else knows what Play-Doh tastes like?) There is nothing more stupidly scientific than that. Science isn't textbook knowledge as much as it's a way of thinking. Science is confusion, curiosity, exploration, trial and error. Science is our way of describing, as best we can, how the world works. Science is honest. And I have never felt more like a scientist than when I started doing stand up comedy.

Exploration: It's Funny Cause It's True...

A scientist's goal is to find the truth in all things.The funny is a byproduct of that goal.

My goal, as a comedian, is to find the funny in all things. The truth is a byproduct of that goal.

When I think of scientists, I picture the explorers like Charles Darwin, who literally explored the world for his theories.With comedy I get to explore the world with an honest lens and then tag a punchline to it. Which is a funny thing for me to claim because my best bit is a "Nice, Dick" joke.

But it takes a lot of exploration/discernment to look at the mundane, such as a homeless man limping around by his usual intersection, and think:  It's interesting that every homeless man has a bum leg.

Grants

A scientist is granted freedom to experiment with grants. They have to prove their experiments have a purpose.

A comedian is granted freedom with laughs.There is a freedom and independence to stand up. There is nothing more rewarding than doing something yourself. You say what you want and do what you want (as long as it gets laughs). So when you do well, it's all on you! But when you do bad, it's all on the audience! No, I'm kidding, it's all on you. Something I found early on is that you should never blame the audience for your results. If you do, you won't get better. But to be fair, in order to be a comedian you have to be a little delusional.

Delusion is a huge part of my life. If it weren’t for delusion, I wouldn’t have become a comedian. At all. Because, particularly starting out there’s so much failure, and amidst that failure you have to tell yourself, “It’s going quite nicely.” Because if you didn’t, you’d never get onstage again, you’d just be like, “I guess human beings don’t like me.” 

-Mike Birbiglia, Author of Sleepwalk With Me

Trial and Error

Scientist see something funny and make an experiment. Comedians see something funny and make a joke. If a scientist's experiment fails, then there is something wrong with the hypothesis or experiment. If a joke fails, then there is something wrong with the premise or the joke.

The funny thing is neither a scientist nor a comedian could get better without constant failure. They couldn't make a better experiment/joke without results.When I perform my material, I soon learn what's funny and what's not funny (...yet.)


Stand up makes sense. Sometimes painful, but always rational. If people feel that a bit is funny, then they'll laugh. If they don't, they won't. Or they'll give you a pity laugh... Which I don't care for. Might as well throw me a surprise pity party. That's like faking the results of an experiment to make me feel good. Then I run around thinking that I cured cancer but really I'm just a nut with a thoughtful assistant.

Describing How the World Works

It must have taken a lot of courage for Copernicus to say the earth is not the center of the universe. Just like it must have taken a lot of courage for Carlin to talk about the "seven words you can never say on television."

Copernicus' discovery began the Copernican Revolution and contributed importantly to the rise of the ensuing Scientific Revolution. Carlin's bit helped revolutionize stand up. Carlin's intention was not just to shock; it was to question our irrational fear of language.

I understand if people think this comparison is a stretch. But they were both honest with their work, and as a result, people started thinking.

FiST Results!

Find updates to every round here!

 Round 1 Results:

2013 Funniest in South Texas
 

Jeffrey Elliot (aka guy I haven't met yet) & 

Anthony Torino (aka guy who's facebook profile pictures I enjoy) Advance to Finals
 

Jon Stringer (aka The Austin Wonderkid) & 

Todd Larson (aka Cat Lover) to Playoff Round!

Updates brought to you by John Magallanez (aka guy who doesn't know how to give nicknames)

Round 1 Adjustment:

Anthony Torino will not be able to attend Finals on Wednesday night at Laugh Out Loud Comedy Club San Antonio, so now Round 1's Todd Larson & Allie Amarien move up! Todd advances to Tony's spot in the Finals, and join Allie for the Playoff round to be held at Rivercenter Comedy Club Monday Feb 25th!

 

 

Round 2 Results:

Congrats to James Bosquez & Jesus "Who Farted" Mendoza for advancing to the Final Round of FiST 2013!

Edward Hernandez & Kevin Iso advanced to the Playoff Round to be held at Rivercenter Comedy Club Monday 02/25/13

 Round 3 Results:

Congratulations to Gene Getman & Jay Whitecotton for advancing to the Finals! Join Larry Garza & Jimmy Jam as they continue to the Playoff Round Feb 25 @ Rivercenter Comedy Club!

 

  Round 4 Results:

Congrats to Tito Garza & Steven Farmer for adavncing to the FINALS, and to Judd Jones & Bryson Brown for making it to the playoffs!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Round 5 Results:

  Congratulations to Arielle Solomon & Josh Ramon for advancing to the FINALS a week from tonight at Laugh Out Loud Comedy Club San Antonio! Ethan Moore & Ross Copeland made it to the Playoff Round

 

FiST People's Choice Winners: 

Mike Suarez

George Anthony

Joshua Jay Nieto

 

Playoff Results:

Congrats to Kevin Iso and Jon Stringer (who somehow transported me to the 80's)!  

Side Note: This round finally proved that Larry Garza is, in fact, inferior to his uncle, Jesus "Who Farted" Mendoza!

What is F.I.S.T.?

I've heard lots of questions about F.I.S.T.:

(Okay, nobody really asks me anything.)

What's F.I.S.T.?
F.I.S.T. (Funniest In South Texas) is an annual comedy contest including some of the best comedians in San Antonio, Austin, and the other few surrounding areas that have heard of it.

It's like gladiators without the gladiators ...but you may get to see some people kill on stage and others, like me, die slowly for five minutes.

Who's F.I.S.T?
My F.I.S.T. yo F.A.C.E.! (Yeah, I'm not proud of that.)

Past winners include some of my favorite local comedians: Jay Lafarr, Alex "Kool-Aid" Ansel, and Raul Sanchez! Past winners help by hosting the contest rounds and end the night by doing one of their comedy sets. 

Why F.I.S.T?
Because comedians can give up to 15 free tickets away as long as your RSVP with a comic ahead of time! (Let me know if you want tickets.) Last year, the contest sold out! So don't miss out, San Antonio!

Don't strain yourself looking: I'm in the second round :)Where F.I.S.T?

Where F.I.S.T?
Rounds will be held at the Rivercenter Comedy Club and the LOL Comedy Club. Please refer to the schedule on the right.


You know that your blog about F.I.S.T. doesn't help you get any respect, especially from the other comics, right?

Yes.

When F.I.S.T?

Funniest in South Texas (F.I.S.T) 2013 starts tonight, Monday Feb. 2nd, at the Rivercenter Comedy Club!

The first round is packed with great comedians (and because I don't feel like putting myself through naming my personal favorites, let's say they all have an equal shot to make it to the F.I.S.T. finals!)

Also, Check out Stand Up And Rock this Thursday night at the

Night Rocker Live!

Special Appearances By:

Raul Sanchez and George Anthony

Introducing a New Band to Stand Up and Rock:

Tiger Style

(meow!)

Stand Up and Rock!

Guess who got his first regular hosting gig?

If you guessed me, then that was a lucky guess (odds were not in my favor, 5 to 1).

I know what you're thinking:

"Is this some kind of sick joke?"

"Who would give this punk, who smiles more than the joker, a hosting gig?" 

"Isn't that the janitor at the Rivercenter Comedy Club?" 

Well yes, I am the janitor, but I kid you not, one person who reads my blog (I'm assuming my girlfriend, Amanda). I got my first regular hosting gig at the Night Rocker Live! 

The show is called Stand Up and Rock! As of now it is going to be every Thursday starting at 10 pm. Tomorrow, Thursday January 31 will be my first show! I'm thankful for having this opportunity and I hope to make it a high quality show. 

This week I am lucky to have some of the best SA Comedians: Bobby Smith IV, Cody O'Dell, and George Anthony. 

Cody O'Dell

George Anthony, Host of Bootleg

Bobby Smith IV 

aka B. Smitty 

aka AK-4

aka Soil 

aka Throw Your 4's Up

Special Event: Hannibal Buress

San Antonio is in for a treat! 

(Such a great opening line.)

Hannibal Buress, Comedy Central's 2012 Club Comedian of the Year, is performing at the LOL Comedy Club January 24-26th. 

Who is Hannibal Buress? 

“If Steven Wright, Mos Def and Dave Chappelle had a baby, that would be disgusting, but it would sound like Hannibal Buress. The funniest young comic I’ve seen in years.”

- Chris Rock

  





 

 “Hannibal is incredibly funny with a smart, unique style and I am proud to be his father.”

- Jim Gaffigan

 


 

“I haven’t heard this album [MY NAME IS HANNIBAL], and I never will. But I’ve seen Hannibal do comedy, and if the CD is a recording of him doing comedy, then it’s probably worth getting. I mean, I still won’t get it, but you can. And you might like it.”

 - Todd Barry

“Hannibal is funny on stage and off stage and right in between, too.”

-Demetri Martin

“Hannibal’s debut album [MY NAME IS HANNIBAL] is hilarious. Also hilarious - Aziz Ansari’s debut album Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening, now available in stores EVERYWHERE!”

 - Aziz Ansari

 

“One of the best joke writers I’ve ever seen. He’s one of the few performers I’ve come across that creates such electricity in a room that I think ‘this guy is going to be a star FOR SURE.”

-Mike Birbiglia

                                                      

“He [Hannibal Buress] makes me laugh.”

-John Magallanez

There you have it, folks! 

Hannibal Buress is part comedian, part rapper, and Jim Gaffigan's son. 

Hannibal Buress has appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel Live and numerous other late night TV shows. He has also made prime time appearances on Louie and 30 Rock. Buress has previously worked on the writing staffs of 30 Rock and SNL, and released his debut album, My Name Is Hannibal, in 2010 on Stand Up! Records. His Comedy Central, Hannibal Buress: Animal Furnace, was named one of the Top 10 Specials of 2012.

This is Hannibal Buress on the morning show, Charlotte Today.

Maybe we can get him on San Antonio Living, Shelly Miles/ Cleto?

I recommend watching his not so DVD Exclusive One Week To Kill. A documentary that shows Hannibal preparing for his Comedy Central Special.

Don't miss out! 

To whoever stole my spare tire:

I'm assuming you had a flat tire during an attempt to get your pregnant wife to the hospital. You began to freak out as the contractions got closer. Then out of pure desperation (and love for your wife) you stole my spare to finally get her the medical attention she needs while she's in labor. I also assume, that after the greatest moment of your life, you will return my spare tire to me and name your first born (whether a boy or a girl) John Magallanez (Your last name here.) And yes, I want his middle name to be Magallanez.

If this isn't the case, then you have made a fierce enemy. I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very short career in comedy. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my spare tire go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not joke about you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill on stage, with not just one joke but multiple bits about you.

Comedy is Love

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

If comedy isn't a love language, then I don't know what love is. And if I don't know what love is, then that might explain why my girlfriend lives 583 miles from me...

(And yes, sometimes I start sentences with conjunctions. That rule is outdated. )

Dr. Gary Chapman is famous for describing the five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical/Touch.

Placing comedy in just one of the five love languages doesn't do comedy justice. Comedy sometimes uses words, but they're hardly words of affirmation. Don't get me wrong, comedy is often a declaration of truth, but more often then not, it's a declaration that has an underlying message of disbelief.

This is the Face of a Survivor/
One of my favorite comedians

Fighting for Peace is like Screwing for virginity. 
                                                                                                                        - George Carlin

Comedy can be seen as an Act of Service. Comedians provide a service that people need. People need to laugh. More importantly, people need to laugh at the world.

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you findlaughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.
                                                                                                                          - Bill Cosby

However, comedy is more than an Act of Service (I mainly say that because I'm following through with my thesis.) A wise man once said, "Comedy, when done right, is a gift of wisdom, wrapped in a funny package so you don't forget it." (Ladies and gentleman, I am that wise man.) Comedy is a gift for both the audience members and the comedian. For the audience, it is a time for laughter and joy. For the comedian, along with the laughter,  it is an outlet for his ideals, and feelings (and perhaps his or her repertoire of nice dick jokes.)

The last love languages are quality time and physical/touch. Live comedy shows can be great quality time to have with loved ones. Keep in mind though that only the comedian should be talking. (Nobody likes quality time with hecklers.) Also, it is only appropriate if a comedian touches you metaphorically. If a comedian gets physical with you, then it is probably not part of their act, and you should get help immediately (Didn't this blog start off with a MLK Jr. quote?) I digress, my point is that although comedy does fit certain love languages, one love language does not encompass all that comedy is. 

I love comedy. Therefore, I share that love with others. 

So what was the point of this blog?

There is no greater love or service than comedy. So this MLK Jr. Day, you should go see Clifton Simmons at the Rivercenter Comedy Club!

Great local comedians including: Larry Garza (Host of Public Axis), George Anthony (Host of Bootleg), and C.I. Jackson (Probably has a podcast too) will be performing for you on your day off. Also, Big Cliff was gracious enough to give me a five minute guest spot!

Who's Big Cliff?

Clifton Simmons is an improvisational comic who mixes rap, poetry, and music to relay sensational stories about life in a unique "His-Panic" style. He will be in the upcoming film, "Last Friday" produced by Ice Cube. Catch him before he blows up!

Rest in Peace

Andrew John Talamantes

A beloved father, son, and brother passed away this year. Andrew "Andyman 5000" Talamantes was a local comedian and will forever be remembered as a great and respectful young man. I'm not the right man to talk on his behalf. I've only known Andrew from his comedy work. So I wish to simply say, "God Bless" and tribute a post to his life and art. 

Guest Book for Andrew Talamantes

Mustache Monday

Why "Mustache Monday"?     Well, to be honest, I just couldn't think of a better alliteration for Monday. Especially since I already used "Madness" in yesterday's title (Magical, monumental, and mental didn't quite fit.) Also, the title goes great with Rahn Ramey's mustache!   SPECIAL EVENT:  Rahn Ramey   From 'Planes, Train, and Automobiles' Rahn Ramey is back at Laugh Out Loud to help ring in the New Year with Matt Holt featuring and Jay LaFarr hosting! His last two shows are tonight at 8:00 and 10:15 pm. Tickets are only $20. Buy Tickets Here His act, “Bill Cosby on crack,” or “Adulterated garbage,” takes a look at marriage, weddings, relationships, among other subjects. “Whatever’s being talked about in the media, I’m doing jokes about it,” Ramey said. “I write for seven different comics. I’m always getting subjects thrown at me so I write jokes about them. I have nothing to do all day.”

 

Best Bang For Your Buck!

Big Herb's Comedy Blow Out: SEVEN great local comedians are putting a show together at the Rivercenter Comedy Club for only $10! That's less than two dollars a comic ($1.42 to be exact). Plus you get free parking! That price is such a deal for audience members that it's almost degrading for the comedians (unless you support them by coming to the show!). Take advantage and start your week off right!

Podcast Madness

It's a universal truth that everybody loves seeing a schmuck sweat on stage.  

No Bigger Schmuck than yours truly!

That's why we all love stand-up comedy. That's why I created this blog: to tell you about the best shows and the best schmucks in town!

That being said, let's face it San Antonio, going out every night isn't our thing. It's a big city and we're big people (with comfy couches.) But just cause you stay in tonight doesn't mean you have to deprive yourself of some great local comedians (and the local comedians I mention too)!

A few highly evolved comedians have brought their comedy to the digital age by creating their own podcasts. They bring their humor, insights, and B.S. (Business Savvy) right to you and your lazy-boy (redundant?).  

Check out some of the Best Podcasts
in San Antonio:

The Guy's Spot:

Just 3 guys talking about life from a guy's perspective and having fun while doing it.

The Guys Spot is a good contrast to the other podcasts on the list because they don't tend to riff as much. They share their funny stories and insights and it reminds me of great bar conversation. Also, ShredtheGnarBrah (from iTunes customer review) says that "It's one of the best podcasts that not enough people know about. Hdizzle and his co hosts cover a nice variety of topics and do great interviews. Metal head is one of the funniest dudes I've ever heard. Support this show" And if ShredtheGnarBrah says it, it must be true. I recommend 
checking out the latest episode, Episode #6, featuring Bonafide Hustla 
so you can learn how to make a quick profit! 

Public Axis:

San Antonio's award winning sketch comedy troupe touch your topics inappropriately with their live and at-home comedy podcast!

An extremely well-made podcast that never disappoints! They provide hours of entertainment. There's no better place to start than Episode #1, their Top Download Episode. "It's overstuffed with great people; Cleto Rodriguez, Alex KOOLAID Ansel, Jay Whitecotton and Quinn Dahle! It was their first live episode and first official podcast so it's a great listen in contrast to where the show is now. Great stories, great people and great laughs!"


 
That Tastes Funny:

 A Food dedicated Podcast by two of my favorite local comedians, Mike Suarez and Alex "Kool Aid" Ansel.

"Every episode [well, the one so far] includes their insights, journeys, and flavorful adventures their palates go through. Also featured are interviews with Comedians about food on the road, clubs and wherever. From your earbuds to your tastebuds the "That Tastes Funny" Podcast is your destination if you're hungry for laughs and starved for entertainment." I highly recommend checking out Episode #1 with their special guest, Kristin Key.



Bootleg:

 Comedians George Anthony and Raul Sanchez present a podcast of honest comedy.

I don't know how to describe this podcast, but the hosts probably wouldn't be able to describe it either. Which is what makes this such a fun podcast to listen to. It's just a couple of comedians and their friends having hilarious conversation and shooting the shit. I recommend checking out Episode #2 because they took their first episode off the internet (I'm assuming out of shame.) I also recommend checking out Episode #3 because they show my blog and the other podcasts a little love.

What's Up At The Club Tonight?

ERIK RIVERA, one New York's fastest rising young comedians, 

is at the Rivercenter Comedy Club!

This charismatic comedian is guaranteed to make your Sunday night! The show starts at 8:30 p.m. and tickets are only $15.

Buy Tickets Here

The prestigious Riverventer Comedy Club has been making San Antonio laugh since 1993. Each week, they bring in top comedians from across the country to headline their shows!

Comedians such as  George Lopez, Chris Rock, Drew Carey, Robin Williams, Jay Leno, Ron White, Jeff Dunham and many more talents have graced the Rivercenter Showroom stage.

True Friends Stand-Up For You

Sometimes you can know how good a person is by how their friends stand by them. 

I haven't had the pleasure of meeting Mark Riojas, but the comedy community is introducing me. Local comics began by having a Christmas toy drive for Mark's son.

Now, all of the best comics in San Antonio have put together a benefit comedy show for their friend and colleague, Mark Riojas. If you have ever considered going to a comedy show in San Antonio, then this is the one to go to! 

Great Comedians! Great Music! Great Cause!