Hard Labor

“Hard Labor”

Written By: John Magallanez
Edited By: Amanda Williams

CAST

KYLE- 30’s

ANNA - 30’s and Pregnant

ANNA’S MOM - 60’s and has a southern accent.

ASIAN NURSE - 30’s and has an Asian accent

BLACK DOCTOR - 40’s

(Anna, Kyle, and Anna’s mom are in a hospital room. Anna is on a stability ball)

ANNA

(Anna is holding her hips while bouncing up and down on the stability ball.)

ANNA’S MOM

Well, I’ll be in the waiting room if you need me.

(Anna’s mom walks out.)

ANNA

(Anna breathes out of her mouth and nods while continuing to bounce up and down on the stability ball.)

Baby, can you turn on my pregnancy playlist?

KYLE

No problem, baby.

(Kyle turns on music. Salt and Peppa’s “Push It” starts playing.)

ANNA

(Anna starts moving her hips to the music while on the stability ball.)

(beat.)

ASIAN NURSE

(Asian Nurse enters.)

Hey, Salt-N-Peppa, we need to check your heart rate now.

KYLE

(Kyle turns off music. Places the ipad on a chair.)

ASIAN NURSE

(Asian Nurse starts to wrap a strap around Anna.)

ANNA

(Anna nods and continues to breath out through her mouth.)

ANNA’S MOM

(Anna’s mom peeps in the room with her hands folded.)

ASIAN NURSE

(Asian Nurse giggles as she pats Anna’s belly.)

Oo going to be a BIG baby-baby, huh?

ANNA

(Anna starts having a contraction. She starts moaning.)

ASIAN NURSE

(Asian Nurse looks at monitor.)

Ooo looks like you’re having a contraction.

ANNA

(Anna’s moaning quiets down.)

… No shit!

ASIAN NURSE

(Asian Nurse giggles as she leaves the room.)

ANNA’S MOM

You know, those orientals have such bad manners.

ANNA

Bye, mom!

ANNA’S MOM

I’ll be in the waiting room.

(Anna’s mom walks out.)

ANNA

(Anna stands up and leans on Kyle while she puts her arms around his shoulders.)

Squeeze my hips!

KYLE

(Kyle leans forward, pushes his butt back, and starts to squeeze Anna’s hips.)

ANNA

(Anna rocks side to side and stares into Kyle’s eyes without blinking. She starts moaning in a low voice.)

KYLE

(Kyle looks uncomfortable and is trying to avoid eye contact.)

ANNA

(Anna pulls his chin so she can look in his eyes. She continues to have a low moan.)

KYLE

Uh, doctor?!

ANNA’S MOM

(Anna’s mom peeps in the room with her hands folded.)

BLACK DOCTOR

(Black Doctor walks in holding a chart.)

Looks like Anna’s cervix is about 10cm now.

(Black Doctor looks at his chart.)

Should be just another...eh... 1 to 8 hours.

KYLE

But you didn’t even look at her!

ANNA

(Anna pulls his chin so she can look in his eyes. She continues to have a low moan. She points at her eyes with her index and middle fingers and then points at Kyle’s eyes.)

Hip squeeze!

BLACK DOCTOR

(Black Doctor ignores Kyle and walks out while looking at his chart.)

KYLE

Doctor!?

ANNA’S MOM

Oh, Anna, I didn’t know your doctor was black.

ANNA

(Anna looks at her mom while still holding on to Kyle.)

Yes, Mom.

ANNA’S MOM

Well, I just didn’t know.

(Anna’s mom claps and folds her hands.)

You know, it’s lovely how we treat them now.

ANNA

(Anna looks at her mom while still holding on to Kyle.)

Yes, Mom.

ANNA’S MOM

You know it wasn’t always that way.

ANNA

(Anna looks back at Kyle.)

BLACK DOCTOR

(Black Doctor walks in.)

ANNA

Yes, it’s so lovely how we let black people be doctors, now!

BLACK DOCTOR

(Black Doctor ignores Kyle and starts walking out.)

KYLE

Doctor!

BLACK DOCTOR

(Black Doctor gives the finger.)

ANNA’S MOM

Well, I’ll be in the waiting room.

(Anna’s mom walks out.)

ANNA

(Anna takes a deep breath.)

Playlist!

KYLE

(Kyle tries to reach his ipad to turn on music but Anna won’t let go of him. He starts rocking her towards the ipad on the chair. He presses play and Salt and Peppa’s “Push It” starts playing.)

ANNA

(Anna squeezes Kyle’s chin and cheeks.)

ANNA & KYLE

(Start dancing to the music.)

(Blackout.)

Jew-ISH

 Below is a scene I wrote for Second City. 

Please enjoy:

“Jew-ISH”

Written by: John Magallanez

Edited by: Amanda Williams

CAST

JOHN- 30’s

AMANDA - 30’s and Pregnant

(A living room.)

JOHN

What about the name “Abraham”?

AMANDA

Too Jewish.

JOHN

Whoa! What’s wrong with Jews?

AMANDA

Nothing's wrong with Jews, but we’re not...Jews.

JOHN

Jesus, you do know I’m Jewish, right?

AMANDA

Yeah, that’s the thing, John. You’re Jew-ISH.

(Amanda makes a “sort-of” hand gesture.)

JOHN

What do you mean, “Jew-ISH”?

(John mimics Amanda’s “Sort-of” hand gesture.)

Note the kippah! I’m Jew-

(John points to the kippah on his head.)

AMANDA

-ISH

(Amanda makes a “sort-of” hand gesture.)

JOHN

What? Cause my mom’s not technically a Jew, so I can’t be? This is who I am now, Amanda. This is what I believe.

AMANDA

Yeah, but is it though? I mean, I’d have no problem if that’s what you really believed. But do you really think that you’re Jewish?

JOHN

Amanda… Note the kippah.

(John points to the kippah on his head)

AMANDA

It’s a yarmulke!

JOHN

Well, we chosen people call it a “kippah”.

AMANDA

Have you even been to a synagogue with your “chosen people”?

JOHN

Yes...where do you think I got the kippah? Note!

(John points to the kippah on his head)

AMANDA

Yes, note the kippah! But have you ever been to a Jewish service?

JOHN

Yes...Well, no, but it’s only cause, I’m not practicing right now.

AMANDA

But you’ve never been practicing! You’ve never practiced! You wouldn’t even know how to practice! You’ve never even had challah bread that wasn’t a part of a hoagie!

JOHN

Hey! It’s not my fault challah bread is delicious on a hoagie! And are we seriously talking about practice? Practice?

AMANDA

Enough! I want answers. Three weeks ago, you came home wearing that damn “kippah”, with a My First TORAH, and started binge-watching Woody Allen flicks. And when I asked about it, you just yelled, “I’m a born-again Jew!” Which never made any goddamn sense, because you were raised Baptist!

JOHN

Oyyy the kvetching!

AMANDA

Stop! No more yiddish! And no more kippah!

(Amanda reaches for the kippah on John’s head)

JOHN

Noyy! I mean no!

(John holds the kippah with both hands.)

AMANDA

(Amanda pulls John’s ear lobe with one hand and his kippah with the other. Then gasps.)

AMANDA

Oh, you’re..

JOHN

Ow! Yes...I’m balding.

AMANDA

Like, bad!

JOHN

Yes, I know.

AMANDA

(Amanda covers mouth in shock.)

Oh my God, do you have cancer?

JOHN

No! No, I’m just balding...

AMANDA

It’s like you got naired! 

JOHN

...

AMANDA

 

 So, that’s why you’ve been pretending to be Jewish?

JOHN

Yeah, I just, I saw the bald spot at work a few weeks ago. I was in denial. We haven’t even had our kid and I’m already going bald! I even left work early and I stopped by the temple near by. I thought maybe I was being too vain about this whole thing and needed a little religion, but then I saw this sweet kippah for sale and thought maybe I could fake it. And I also remembered that I love Woody Allen’s Bananas movie… So, you’re right, I’m not a Jew. Okay?  I’m not even Jewish. I’m just bald.

AMANDA

-ISH.

(Amanda makes a “sort-of” hand gesture)

...Hey, what about the name Woody?

JOHN

Meh, too Jewish.

(Blackout.)

Trust Me, Life is Worse than Star Wars Episode 1

Life is like a bad telling of Star Wars.

For instance, instead of being set a “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away....” Life is RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.

As you grow up, Life tells you to stop being a motherfucking Jedi, because not so secretly, you never were. 

Worst of all, instead of having a Darth Vader that turns out to be your father. You have a father who turns out to be your Darth Vader.

Father: "Luke... I am your daddy issues."

Trust Me, Comedy is Honest

I haven't been putting in the time like I used to for stand up. You can tell by how healthy and clean-shaven I look. And despite my better functioning liver, not performing in a while is going to hurt me on stage.

I've probably wrote this before, but I believe stand up comedy is honest.

By that I mean, you can't cheat the stage time. And you definitely can't cheat or steal the jokes... unless you're rich, you have sleazy car-salesman-like charisma, or most decidedly, you're a Honduran with a fake stage name.

But the point is, comedy is fair. (And not that fake fair the YMCA teaches. Let's be honest, the kid with his right shoe on his left foot shouldn't get the same amount of playing time as everyone else.)

You put the time in, you do well. You don't, you do poorly. Simple arithmetic.

Audiences don't care if you're new, they don't care if they loved your old material, they don't care about your bullshit credits, an audience only cares if you're funny RIGHT NOW.

So, when I get back at it, whether I do poorly or not so poorly, the feedback will be honest. And it's easier to grow from honest feedback.

Shortly after an Open Mic performance.

Me: " Well, that didn't go so bad.."
Audience: "Yes, it did go that bad, and you should feel bad, scrub."
Me: "But I did my best."
Audience: "We don't want no scrub. A scrub is a guy who can get no love from me... ect (TLC)"

What have I been doing you asked???

Advice To My Fellow Artists:

Quit any job that puts you down creatively.

I don’t mean that the job puts down your creativity.

I mean that the job finds creative ways to put you down.

Like adds trap doors and shit. 

That’s just straight bull.

You shouldn’t have to put up with that!

You’re an “artist"!