Trust Me, I Found a Therapist

I've been feeling crummy lately. 

So I finally decided to go see a doctor. 

Not just any run of the mill doctor (is that an actual saying?), 

but a licensed clinical psychologist.

I know what you're thinking, 

"Crazy!" 

(I know, right! I'm literally mentally ill)

It's funny how nobody needed to ask me why I decided to go.

Maybe my friends and family realized something was wrong when I stopped answering my phone calls (for the past five years).

Also, I guess I'm more open about my feelings than I realized.

Which must be a bummer for everyone following me on Twitter.

Anyways, I decided to go to the Chicago Depression and Anxiety Clinic (for obvious reasons). I called the clinic about a month ago, but they never returned my calls--I guess business is just that good in non-summer Chicago. I found it surprisingly hard to set up an appointment. With all of these out-of-work psychology majors, you'd think you'd see at least a couple people on each corner, soliciting advice for a nickel,  Lucy (from the Peanut's gang) style. Good grief!

Looking for a psychologist made me feel like I was a creepy single guy looking for an online date. I even started getting picky about who I called. I didn't want a therapist that was too young and textbook, but I also didn't want a therapist that was too old and dusty. But every time I would make a call, I'd either get no response at all, or the psychologist would tell me that his or her schedule was booked. I started losing confidence that I was even going to find a therapist. Then I would see some psychologists online who had degrees from Harvard and specialties in trauma, and I started thinking that they were just way out of my league. But my friends would remind me that there aren't any leagues, and it's all about my personality...disorder.

I went through a phase where I tried to help myself using self help books. That didn't work because I'm not much of a "reader" (and SparkNotes couldn't help me this time). Finally one psychologist, who was booked, set me up for a blind therapy session with one of her friends, Dr. Peppermint (Note: Dr. Peppermint is not her real name, I just don't know if the doctor-patient confidentiality is a two way road.)  

Last Wednesday was my first session. The building was cold, dimly lit, and made of 93% linoleum. It was an environment that ensured repeat customers.

In contrast, Dr. Peppermint's office was cozy. She had a nice leather couch, some baby-sized Milky Ways, and the essential cold AND hot water cooler. Our first session was nice and painless. She asked me questions for about 45 minutes:

Why are you here?

I have a lot of anxiety and I'm depressed. 

Are you manic?

No.

Schizophrenic?

No. 

PTSD?

No.

An alcoholic?

Define alcoholic...

Do you need alcohol to wake up in the morning?

No, but by that definition I'm a coffee-holic. (Fake laugh)

Do you want to hurt anyone?

No. (Hmm...)

Have you ever planned how to kill yourself?

I'm not much of a "planner."

Do you like your family?

Yes.

Do you have a good relationship with your mother?

Yes, we don't talk much.

Does anyone in your family have a history of anxiety?

My dad's a Dallas Cowboys fan.

Do you like your job?

Oh, it's terrible. (Tangent...)

I actually want to be a comedian... (Suddenly, she has a lot to write down.)

How do you feel at malls?

I get uncomfortable.

Why?

Because, for some reason, I think other people worry that I'm going to steal or do something bad. 

So you think other people are judging you?

Yes, people suck! Good call, Doctor Pep!

45 minutes later...

"Well, it seems that you're depressed and have anxiety."

Oh, maybe that's why I'm here... at the anxiety and depression clinic. Another good call! 

Dr. Peppermint went on to explain Cognitive Behavior Therapy, and I went on to pretend as if I haven't read about it in my collection of failed self-help books. My next session is Monday. I'll keep you updated unless it gets too personal (in that case, I'll save it for the stage).

In all seriousness (good paragraph opener), I have a lot of hope for these therapy sessions. Depression and anxiety are issues that have reoccurred throughout my life and it's time for me to address them properly. I realized how selfish it is that I haven't before. I'm terrified of these sessions and I'm not sure why. I hope I can stay as patient with myself as my friends and family have been with me. Maybe I'll even start answering my phone! :) 

Trust me, I learned a lesson

I was a mess this past week. My writing was horribly depressing, I stopped working out, and no matter what I did, I just couldn't get back on my normal poop schedule. I'd been too nervous thinking about my first tv/radio appearance. I kept imagining the absolute worst. But as bad as I imagined, nothing could prepare me for how awful this experience truly was...

Yesterday, I was on the [for the sake of professionalism,
I removed the name of the show] show and wow, what a God-awful experience that was. The host is a right-winged nut. Just a manipulative jerk who exploits people on the air and then immediately kisses their butt to save face. He was such a coward that he would turn everyone's mic off the second someone would disagree with him, then he'd put words in their mouth, and claim to win the one-sided conversation. He made Sheri Speede, a veterinarian and founder of the Sanaga-Yong Chimpanzee Rescue center, sad by describing, in excruciating detail, the horrific ways people beat chimpanzees and after she left, he falsely claimed that she was angry and said chimpanzees taste like chicken. He got mad at me because I told him that he was being too harsh on an elderly guest and cut my mic for the majority of the show. He would lie about doing noble things like paying homeless people to be extras on his show. I know this because, after the extras were properly embarrassed, they would whisper to me, "Yeah, we're really not homeless." Then he would pretend things were going on in the studio, like two guests were fighting, and he staged all the phone calls so he could look quick witted and always in the right. He treated his staff poorly and would often yell at his producer between each take. He's everything I despise in people all clumsily packed into a freak wearing hypno-glasses. But I'll spare you guys of how I really feel. And thankfully, I really did learn a lot of lessons from this experience: 

Saying "no" is the most empowering thing you can do.

When I first arrived at the studio, I was asked to put on a costume. For a second, I was convinced that I had to do it. Then I said, "Oh no, I'd rather not.." So the producer politely backed off. But what if I didn't say no? I could have put myself through the most humiliating experience in my life, and all because I didn't know I had a choice. So don't be afraid to say no, because it's always an option.

Stick to what you're comfortable with

In his book, The Secrets of Good Communication, Larry King writes that one of the secrets to successfully representing yourself (on radio or television) is to make sure you're comfortable with what you're doing. If not, then return the clown costume and leave before your parking meter gets too expensive.

Avoid negative thinking

You have to go in with the right attitude and I'm sure mine could have been better. Also, even though my interview was important to some of my friends and me, it could never make or break me. My two hours of nervously smiling in the background of a tv show won't change the course of civilization. Unless the world does, in fact, revolve around me. In that case we're all doomed!

Do your research

I didn't do enough research on the 
* show. I asked a couple people about the show and listened to a couple segments, but I really had no idea what to expect. That was my fault, and probably one of the reasons I've taken this experience so poorly. So know what you're getting into or else, one Tuesday morning, you'll find yourself on tv, watching videos of a guy with a bubble wrap fetish, next to a nurse covered in fake blood, all before you had your morning coffee. And that's always a bummer. 

Say "Yes" to every job? 

If I've learned anything from Ryan Seacrest (and oh I have!), it's that you take every job you're given. One of the first comedians I worked with, Alex "Kool-Aid" Ansel, told me that you should take every gig you're given and if you're wrong for the show, that's the booker's fault. Which is absolutely true, sometimes you can be wrong for the show, but now I realized that a show can also be wrong for you. If it is wrong for you, then I think it's time to awkwardly say, "Oh... no, thank you,", moonwalk out the door, and bail to go get a cup of coffee (Cause coffee.) 

Know what you're worth!

I was first told this by Larry Garza, of Comedia A Go-Go fame. He has a duo comedy act with one of his friends (I'm assuming their friends, but maybe they hate each other), Regan. When a producer tries to book them both as the headliner, but only only offers enough money to cover one of them, Larry will politely decline and offer to have only one of them do the show (or maybe offer the show to his Uncle, Jesus "Who Farted" Mendoza). He knows what his act is worth and whats worth his time. It's not greedy or selfish. He rightfully values his time. If you know what you're worth, then nobody can ever undervalue you or what you do for a living. I still don't know what I'm worth, but now I know that I'm worth more than -$42.00 in parking fees.

But I don't know anything. All of these lessons are ideas that I'm constantly evolving as I figure out what I'm doing with my life. If nothing else, I truly learned that nothing compares to being on stage for me. I don't mind going to open mics, because there is a lot of value in honing my craft. I'm motivated more than ever to get better at stand up. 

And that's how John Magallanez, got his poop schedule back.

Peace

PS: I truly am thankful for the opportunity and I wish I could have done more with it. Thank you again to Elijah King and UDC entertainment for allowing me to be a part of something like this. Even if it didn't go so well, I appreciate the chance to try something new. 

Trust me, it's a thing

I found out yesterday that I'm going to be a guest on the Mancow radio/TV show. Which is a thing! I'm nervous because, when I was asked to be on the show, I didnt know it was a thing. We don't have the Mancow show down south. In the south we just have cow shows and that's more or less a different thing. But everyone from Chicago keeps telling me the Mancow show is a big thing and now I'm nervous and way off my poop schedule... (I honestly thought that my first television appearance in Chicago would be on the 11 o'clock news after smiling in the wrong neighborhood.) But this is great news!  Check out details on the show here and I'll keep you updated! I'll be on next Tuesday.

Trust me, I'm trying

I'm really trying to get healthier.

 I'm tired of having old man problems at the age of twenty four. 

My Achilles hurts, my back aches, and kids just won't get off my lawn (even though I don't have one.)!

It sucks knowing that I'll probably grow up to be Grandpa Hunchback with a walker. 

By the way, how terrible do walkers look? I think we've made it pretty obvious that we don't give two hugs about old people. We're about five years away from having personal light sabers, yet, the best walker accessory we've got is a dirty tennis ball with a puncture wound.

Trust me, I need a day job.

I went to the gym everyday last week. 

So now I really need to start working out, 

cause apparently it's "weird" if you just go to Planet Fitness to take showers. 

Planet fitness, by the way, claims to be a "judgement free zone," 

but if I show up with only a towel and a loofah, the staff gets all Judge Judy about me being there.

Especially since I don't have a "membership."

Since I started doing comedy, I've been trying to figure out a good day job. Like most college graduates, I have no money. In fact, I have negative money or, you know, student loans. On top of that,  I consider myself an artist. Which is worse than having student loans, because suddenly I have too much integrity to sell out for a better paying job. If I was asked to give kids advice on how to be successful, it would be this: Work hard, be patient with yourself, and most importantly, sell out! Forget your dreams, kids! They're dead! What's not dead is a 9-5 job in human resources...But of course I would never say that, because I'm a dreamer, and my definition of success doesn't include a 401k (Sorry, Dad).

Don't get me wrong though, I'm not poor.  I'm just financially challenged (for example: I have stuff in my wallet, but at the same time, it doesn't really matter if I forget it at home). And I really am grateful for the job I have as a customer service rep. I don't love my job, because it basically pays me minimum wage, but it does provide me with enough money to invest in things I do love (like my girlfriend, my health, and spaghetti). The main reason having a minimum wage job is a bummer is that if you work there long enough, you begin to feel like you're only worth minimum wage. You feel replaceable and valueless (and nobody should feel like that besides the guy who invented pop-up ads).

Ideally, I want a day job that is meaningful to me, provides a flexible schedule for me to do comedy, and gives me as much money as possible (for as little work as possible). So I decided that I'm going to work to be a certified personal trainer. Which will be difficult because I don't look like a personal trainer. Personal trainers all have that same look that I don't have. They look healthy. 

Trust me, I'm not a politician.

     In high school, I ran for vice president. Each candidate, including me, was going to give a speech. I had a big problem with this, mainly because nobody told me I had to give a speech. I didn't even know vice presidents had to talk. Speeches seem more like an executive privilege (similar to approving legislation, or vetoing legislation, or Marilyn Monroe.) I should have run for historian. Historians are never asked to give a speech. Long-ago, historians tricked us by unanimously deciding to sound dusty and mono-toned. And I'm convinced the reason why history is doomed to repeat itself, is because nobody has ever asked a historian to repeat himself.

     On the day of elections, the entire student body packed into our auditorium. As the other candidates read their nicely printed monologues, which included clever JFK, MLK Jr., and Soulja Boi allusions, I was trying to piece together at least one coherent sentence. Suddenly, it was my turn. I thought, "Maybe I can just run away, learn Spanish guitar, and start a new life as a drifter in Mexico." Unfortunately, that solution was absurd. I have little to no Spanish-speaking skills and my fingers are too stubby for even a Spanish guitar.

     For the first, but not last, time in my life, I walked up to a microphone. My knees got weak and I had to consciously stop myself from locking them. Then a comforting presence came over me. I picked up the mic. I looked at the sea of students in the room and said, "I'm John Magallanez... enough said." I dropped the mic and walked off the stage. The crowd of kids roared with laughter and cheers. I just made my first audience laugh and it felt amazing.

The results were in

I ended up losing the election

by a lot.

Dead last to be exact.

But if it was a comedy contest,

I'm sure I would have gotten 2nd.

The Science of Comedy

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'

- Isaac Asimov

We all grew up as scientists. When we were young, we would see something new, we thought it looked funny, and then we mistakenly put it in our mouths (Who else knows what Play-Doh tastes like?) There is nothing more stupidly scientific than that. Science isn't textbook knowledge as much as it's a way of thinking. Science is confusion, curiosity, exploration, trial and error. Science is our way of describing, as best we can, how the world works. Science is honest. And I have never felt more like a scientist than when I started doing stand up comedy.

Exploration: It's Funny Cause It's True...

A scientist's goal is to find the truth in all things.The funny is a byproduct of that goal.

My goal, as a comedian, is to find the funny in all things. The truth is a byproduct of that goal.

When I think of scientists, I picture the explorers like Charles Darwin, who literally explored the world for his theories.With comedy I get to explore the world with an honest lens and then tag a punchline to it. Which is a funny thing for me to claim because my best bit is a "Nice, Dick" joke.

But it takes a lot of exploration/discernment to look at the mundane, such as a homeless man limping around by his usual intersection, and think:  It's interesting that every homeless man has a bum leg.

Grants

A scientist is granted freedom to experiment with grants. They have to prove their experiments have a purpose.

A comedian is granted freedom with laughs.There is a freedom and independence to stand up. There is nothing more rewarding than doing something yourself. You say what you want and do what you want (as long as it gets laughs). So when you do well, it's all on you! But when you do bad, it's all on the audience! No, I'm kidding, it's all on you. Something I found early on is that you should never blame the audience for your results. If you do, you won't get better. But to be fair, in order to be a comedian you have to be a little delusional.

Delusion is a huge part of my life. If it weren’t for delusion, I wouldn’t have become a comedian. At all. Because, particularly starting out there’s so much failure, and amidst that failure you have to tell yourself, “It’s going quite nicely.” Because if you didn’t, you’d never get onstage again, you’d just be like, “I guess human beings don’t like me.” 

-Mike Birbiglia, Author of Sleepwalk With Me

Trial and Error

Scientist see something funny and make an experiment. Comedians see something funny and make a joke. If a scientist's experiment fails, then there is something wrong with the hypothesis or experiment. If a joke fails, then there is something wrong with the premise or the joke.

The funny thing is neither a scientist nor a comedian could get better without constant failure. They couldn't make a better experiment/joke without results.When I perform my material, I soon learn what's funny and what's not funny (...yet.)


Stand up makes sense. Sometimes painful, but always rational. If people feel that a bit is funny, then they'll laugh. If they don't, they won't. Or they'll give you a pity laugh... Which I don't care for. Might as well throw me a surprise pity party. That's like faking the results of an experiment to make me feel good. Then I run around thinking that I cured cancer but really I'm just a nut with a thoughtful assistant.

Describing How the World Works

It must have taken a lot of courage for Copernicus to say the earth is not the center of the universe. Just like it must have taken a lot of courage for Carlin to talk about the "seven words you can never say on television."

Copernicus' discovery began the Copernican Revolution and contributed importantly to the rise of the ensuing Scientific Revolution. Carlin's bit helped revolutionize stand up. Carlin's intention was not just to shock; it was to question our irrational fear of language.

I understand if people think this comparison is a stretch. But they were both honest with their work, and as a result, people started thinking.