Trust me, it's a thing

I found out yesterday that I'm going to be a guest on the Mancow radio/TV show. Which is a thing! I'm nervous because, when I was asked to be on the show, I didnt know it was a thing. We don't have the Mancow show down south. In the south we just have cow shows and that's more or less a different thing. But everyone from Chicago keeps telling me the Mancow show is a big thing and now I'm nervous and way off my poop schedule... (I honestly thought that my first television appearance in Chicago would be on the 11 o'clock news after smiling in the wrong neighborhood.) But this is great news!  Check out details on the show here and I'll keep you updated! I'll be on next Tuesday.

Trust me, I'm trying

I'm really trying to get healthier.

 I'm tired of having old man problems at the age of twenty four. 

My Achilles hurts, my back aches, and kids just won't get off my lawn (even though I don't have one.)!

It sucks knowing that I'll probably grow up to be Grandpa Hunchback with a walker. 

By the way, how terrible do walkers look? I think we've made it pretty obvious that we don't give two hugs about old people. We're about five years away from having personal light sabers, yet, the best walker accessory we've got is a dirty tennis ball with a puncture wound.

Trust me, I need a day job.

I went to the gym everyday last week. 

So now I really need to start working out, 

cause apparently it's "weird" if you just go to Planet Fitness to take showers. 

Planet fitness, by the way, claims to be a "judgement free zone," 

but if I show up with only a towel and a loofah, the staff gets all Judge Judy about me being there.

Especially since I don't have a "membership."

Since I started doing comedy, I've been trying to figure out a good day job. Like most college graduates, I have no money. In fact, I have negative money or, you know, student loans. On top of that,  I consider myself an artist. Which is worse than having student loans, because suddenly I have too much integrity to sell out for a better paying job. If I was asked to give kids advice on how to be successful, it would be this: Work hard, be patient with yourself, and most importantly, sell out! Forget your dreams, kids! They're dead! What's not dead is a 9-5 job in human resources...But of course I would never say that, because I'm a dreamer, and my definition of success doesn't include a 401k (Sorry, Dad).

Don't get me wrong though, I'm not poor.  I'm just financially challenged (for example: I have stuff in my wallet, but at the same time, it doesn't really matter if I forget it at home). And I really am grateful for the job I have as a customer service rep. I don't love my job, because it basically pays me minimum wage, but it does provide me with enough money to invest in things I do love (like my girlfriend, my health, and spaghetti). The main reason having a minimum wage job is a bummer is that if you work there long enough, you begin to feel like you're only worth minimum wage. You feel replaceable and valueless (and nobody should feel like that besides the guy who invented pop-up ads).

Ideally, I want a day job that is meaningful to me, provides a flexible schedule for me to do comedy, and gives me as much money as possible (for as little work as possible). So I decided that I'm going to work to be a certified personal trainer. Which will be difficult because I don't look like a personal trainer. Personal trainers all have that same look that I don't have. They look healthy. 

Trust me, I'm not a politician.

     In high school, I ran for vice president. Each candidate, including me, was going to give a speech. I had a big problem with this, mainly because nobody told me I had to give a speech. I didn't even know vice presidents had to talk. Speeches seem more like an executive privilege (similar to approving legislation, or vetoing legislation, or Marilyn Monroe.) I should have run for historian. Historians are never asked to give a speech. Long-ago, historians tricked us by unanimously deciding to sound dusty and mono-toned. And I'm convinced the reason why history is doomed to repeat itself, is because nobody has ever asked a historian to repeat himself.

     On the day of elections, the entire student body packed into our auditorium. As the other candidates read their nicely printed monologues, which included clever JFK, MLK Jr., and Soulja Boi allusions, I was trying to piece together at least one coherent sentence. Suddenly, it was my turn. I thought, "Maybe I can just run away, learn Spanish guitar, and start a new life as a drifter in Mexico." Unfortunately, that solution was absurd. I have little to no Spanish-speaking skills and my fingers are too stubby for even a Spanish guitar.

     For the first, but not last, time in my life, I walked up to a microphone. My knees got weak and I had to consciously stop myself from locking them. Then a comforting presence came over me. I picked up the mic. I looked at the sea of students in the room and said, "I'm John Magallanez... enough said." I dropped the mic and walked off the stage. The crowd of kids roared with laughter and cheers. I just made my first audience laugh and it felt amazing.

The results were in

I ended up losing the election

by a lot.

Dead last to be exact.

But if it was a comedy contest,

I'm sure I would have gotten 2nd.

The Science of Comedy

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'

- Isaac Asimov

We all grew up as scientists. When we were young, we would see something new, we thought it looked funny, and then we mistakenly put it in our mouths (Who else knows what Play-Doh tastes like?) There is nothing more stupidly scientific than that. Science isn't textbook knowledge as much as it's a way of thinking. Science is confusion, curiosity, exploration, trial and error. Science is our way of describing, as best we can, how the world works. Science is honest. And I have never felt more like a scientist than when I started doing stand up comedy.

Exploration: It's Funny Cause It's True...

A scientist's goal is to find the truth in all things.The funny is a byproduct of that goal.

My goal, as a comedian, is to find the funny in all things. The truth is a byproduct of that goal.

When I think of scientists, I picture the explorers like Charles Darwin, who literally explored the world for his theories.With comedy I get to explore the world with an honest lens and then tag a punchline to it. Which is a funny thing for me to claim because my best bit is a "Nice, Dick" joke.

But it takes a lot of exploration/discernment to look at the mundane, such as a homeless man limping around by his usual intersection, and think:  It's interesting that every homeless man has a bum leg.

Grants

A scientist is granted freedom to experiment with grants. They have to prove their experiments have a purpose.

A comedian is granted freedom with laughs.There is a freedom and independence to stand up. There is nothing more rewarding than doing something yourself. You say what you want and do what you want (as long as it gets laughs). So when you do well, it's all on you! But when you do bad, it's all on the audience! No, I'm kidding, it's all on you. Something I found early on is that you should never blame the audience for your results. If you do, you won't get better. But to be fair, in order to be a comedian you have to be a little delusional.

Delusion is a huge part of my life. If it weren’t for delusion, I wouldn’t have become a comedian. At all. Because, particularly starting out there’s so much failure, and amidst that failure you have to tell yourself, “It’s going quite nicely.” Because if you didn’t, you’d never get onstage again, you’d just be like, “I guess human beings don’t like me.” 

-Mike Birbiglia, Author of Sleepwalk With Me

Trial and Error

Scientist see something funny and make an experiment. Comedians see something funny and make a joke. If a scientist's experiment fails, then there is something wrong with the hypothesis or experiment. If a joke fails, then there is something wrong with the premise or the joke.

The funny thing is neither a scientist nor a comedian could get better without constant failure. They couldn't make a better experiment/joke without results.When I perform my material, I soon learn what's funny and what's not funny (...yet.)


Stand up makes sense. Sometimes painful, but always rational. If people feel that a bit is funny, then they'll laugh. If they don't, they won't. Or they'll give you a pity laugh... Which I don't care for. Might as well throw me a surprise pity party. That's like faking the results of an experiment to make me feel good. Then I run around thinking that I cured cancer but really I'm just a nut with a thoughtful assistant.

Describing How the World Works

It must have taken a lot of courage for Copernicus to say the earth is not the center of the universe. Just like it must have taken a lot of courage for Carlin to talk about the "seven words you can never say on television."

Copernicus' discovery began the Copernican Revolution and contributed importantly to the rise of the ensuing Scientific Revolution. Carlin's bit helped revolutionize stand up. Carlin's intention was not just to shock; it was to question our irrational fear of language.

I understand if people think this comparison is a stretch. But they were both honest with their work, and as a result, people started thinking.

FiST Results!

Find updates to every round here!

 Round 1 Results:

2013 Funniest in South Texas
 

Jeffrey Elliot (aka guy I haven't met yet) & 

Anthony Torino (aka guy who's facebook profile pictures I enjoy) Advance to Finals
 

Jon Stringer (aka The Austin Wonderkid) & 

Todd Larson (aka Cat Lover) to Playoff Round!

Updates brought to you by John Magallanez (aka guy who doesn't know how to give nicknames)

Round 1 Adjustment:

Anthony Torino will not be able to attend Finals on Wednesday night at Laugh Out Loud Comedy Club San Antonio, so now Round 1's Todd Larson & Allie Amarien move up! Todd advances to Tony's spot in the Finals, and join Allie for the Playoff round to be held at Rivercenter Comedy Club Monday Feb 25th!

 

 

Round 2 Results:

Congrats to James Bosquez & Jesus "Who Farted" Mendoza for advancing to the Final Round of FiST 2013!

Edward Hernandez & Kevin Iso advanced to the Playoff Round to be held at Rivercenter Comedy Club Monday 02/25/13

 Round 3 Results:

Congratulations to Gene Getman & Jay Whitecotton for advancing to the Finals! Join Larry Garza & Jimmy Jam as they continue to the Playoff Round Feb 25 @ Rivercenter Comedy Club!

 

  Round 4 Results:

Congrats to Tito Garza & Steven Farmer for adavncing to the FINALS, and to Judd Jones & Bryson Brown for making it to the playoffs!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Round 5 Results:

  Congratulations to Arielle Solomon & Josh Ramon for advancing to the FINALS a week from tonight at Laugh Out Loud Comedy Club San Antonio! Ethan Moore & Ross Copeland made it to the Playoff Round

 

FiST People's Choice Winners: 

Mike Suarez

George Anthony

Joshua Jay Nieto

 

Playoff Results:

Congrats to Kevin Iso and Jon Stringer (who somehow transported me to the 80's)!  

Side Note: This round finally proved that Larry Garza is, in fact, inferior to his uncle, Jesus "Who Farted" Mendoza!

What is F.I.S.T.?

I've heard lots of questions about F.I.S.T.:

(Okay, nobody really asks me anything.)

What's F.I.S.T.?
F.I.S.T. (Funniest In South Texas) is an annual comedy contest including some of the best comedians in San Antonio, Austin, and the other few surrounding areas that have heard of it.

It's like gladiators without the gladiators ...but you may get to see some people kill on stage and others, like me, die slowly for five minutes.

Who's F.I.S.T?
My F.I.S.T. yo F.A.C.E.! (Yeah, I'm not proud of that.)

Past winners include some of my favorite local comedians: Jay Lafarr, Alex "Kool-Aid" Ansel, and Raul Sanchez! Past winners help by hosting the contest rounds and end the night by doing one of their comedy sets. 

Why F.I.S.T?
Because comedians can give up to 15 free tickets away as long as your RSVP with a comic ahead of time! (Let me know if you want tickets.) Last year, the contest sold out! So don't miss out, San Antonio!

Don't strain yourself looking: I'm in the second round :)Where F.I.S.T?

Where F.I.S.T?
Rounds will be held at the Rivercenter Comedy Club and the LOL Comedy Club. Please refer to the schedule on the right.


You know that your blog about F.I.S.T. doesn't help you get any respect, especially from the other comics, right?

Yes.

When F.I.S.T?

Funniest in South Texas (F.I.S.T) 2013 starts tonight, Monday Feb. 2nd, at the Rivercenter Comedy Club!

The first round is packed with great comedians (and because I don't feel like putting myself through naming my personal favorites, let's say they all have an equal shot to make it to the F.I.S.T. finals!)

Also, Check out Stand Up And Rock this Thursday night at the

Night Rocker Live!

Special Appearances By:

Raul Sanchez and George Anthony

Introducing a New Band to Stand Up and Rock:

Tiger Style

(meow!)