Trust me, I'm not a politician.

     In high school, I ran for vice president. Each candidate, including me, was going to give a speech. I had a big problem with this, mainly because nobody told me I had to give a speech. I didn't even know vice presidents had to talk. Speeches seem more like an executive privilege (similar to approving legislation, or vetoing legislation, or Marilyn Monroe.) I should have run for historian. Historians are never asked to give a speech. Long-ago, historians tricked us by unanimously deciding to sound dusty and mono-toned. And I'm convinced the reason why history is doomed to repeat itself, is because nobody has ever asked a historian to repeat himself.

     On the day of elections, the entire student body packed into our auditorium. As the other candidates read their nicely printed monologues, which included clever JFK, MLK Jr., and Soulja Boi allusions, I was trying to piece together at least one coherent sentence. Suddenly, it was my turn. I thought, "Maybe I can just run away, learn Spanish guitar, and start a new life as a drifter in Mexico." Unfortunately, that solution was absurd. I have little to no Spanish-speaking skills and my fingers are too stubby for even a Spanish guitar.

     For the first, but not last, time in my life, I walked up to a microphone. My knees got weak and I had to consciously stop myself from locking them. Then a comforting presence came over me. I picked up the mic. I looked at the sea of students in the room and said, "I'm John Magallanez... enough said." I dropped the mic and walked off the stage. The crowd of kids roared with laughter and cheers. I just made my first audience laugh and it felt amazing.

The results were in

I ended up losing the election

by a lot.

Dead last to be exact.

But if it was a comedy contest,

I'm sure I would have gotten 2nd.