“Sketch Noir”
Written By: John Magallanez
Edited By: Amanda Williams
CAST
PRIVATE EYE- 30’s - Classic Humphrey Bogart-like detective.
SHE - Seductive Lauren Bacall-like lady.
HE - Creepy man and murderer.
SECRETARY - Older lady.
(A private eye office with a desk, a coat rack, and a bookshelf in the background.)
PRIVATE EYE
(PRIVATE EYE steps forward and addresses the audience as the narrator.)
It was a normal day in the office. A pile of divorce cases and a pile of angry husbands. But that all changed... when she walked in. She had curves in all the right places. And some curves in the the wrong ones, but hey, nobody’s perfect... The type of woman who could lie to your face. The type of woman whose hips don’t.
(PRIVATE EYE nods his head towards the door and steps back into the scene.)
SHE
(SHE walks in with her hips going side to side in a seductive manner.
SHE stops walking once she reaches the middle of the office but her hips keeps going for a second.)
Is this the strong-witted, distrustful, and surprisingly-competent-for-a-drunk, private eye?
PRIVATE EYE
Depends… Who wants to know? Are you a potential love interest or... a fatal attraction?
SHE
Depends...What’s the difference to ya,
(SHE shakes hips to the left and right as she says the following.)
big boy?
PRIVATE EYE
A love interest - is a symbol of my lost innocence. A fatal attraction - persuades me to go down a dark, dark road. And I’ve been down enough of those, toots.
(PRIVATE EYE looks into the distance dramatically. Then turns back to SHE.)
So which are ya?
SHE
(SHE gets close to private eye and puts her finger on his chest.)
Depends... Is a dark, dark road, so dark... with the right company?
PRIVATE EYE
(PRIVATE EYE steps back and fixes his tie.)
Depends... I prefer the wrong company.
SECRETARY
(SECRETARY enters the office.)
Depends. Sir, your father called and said he would like more Depends. Would you like me to order them?
PRIVATE EYE
Depends, is he actually using them or is he giving them out as poker chips again?
SECRETARY
I’ll find out, Sir.
(SECRETARY leaves the office.)
PRIVATE EYE
(PRIVATE EYE takes out a box of cigarettes from his back pocket and bounces the box on the side of the leg.
PRIVATE EYE pulls a cigarette out and puts it in his mouth.
PRIVATE EYE puts the box of cigarettes in his back pocket. He starts talking with the cigarette in his mouth.)
Look baby-doll-cheeks, I don’t have all day to be meta with you. What’s your case?
(PRIVATE EYE pulls out lighter and lights cigarette.)
SHE
It’s my father... I believe he was murdered.
PRIVATE EYE
(PRIVATE EYE blows out smoke.)
I’m not homicide.
SHE
But you’re the only one I can trust… look I can’t go to the police... the men that killed him bought off half the department.
PRIVATE EYE
(PRIVATE EYE inhales some smoke and blows it out slowly. And says very calmly.)
In that case, I’m not suicide…
Look, I know you can trust me because I’m the best, but you---
SHE
-Oh I don’t trust you cause you’re the best.
PRIVATE EYE
Oh yeah, then why me?
(PRIVATE EYE inhales some smoke slowly.)
SHE
Cause you have no ties to those murderers. Or real ties to your family... Or lovers... Or friends. You’re just so alone and-
PRIVATE EYE
(PRIVATE EYE coughs out the smoke. Voice squeaks.)
-Hey hey, I have family and friends! I got my dad and my friends. . Humphrey.. Bogart and .. Secretary.
SECRETARY
(SECRETARY enters the office.)
Sir, your father said to go screw yourself. He said that he’d rather deal with the shit in his pants than you. Good news, though, Humphrey and Bogart’s favorite cat food is on sale. Would you like me to order the usual?
PRIVATE EYE
(Frustrated.)
Yes...thank you, that will be all, secretary...
SECRETARY
Yes Sir.
(SECRETARY leaves the office.)
SHE
You see, you’re the perfect loner for the job.
PRIVATE EYE
(PRIVATE EYE puts out cigarette on his desk and turns away from SHE to look at a bookshelf.)
Look, sweet-pie-honey-bunch, you got the wrong guy. I have friends. Let me show you my P.I. School yearbook...
HE
(HE enters with his back against the wall and quietly slides in and has his finger over his mouth to indicate, “SHHH”.)
SHE
I don’t have time for these games I-
HE
(HE creeps in behind SHE on his tip toes and sways his arms like he is doing the thriller dance. Then HE stabs SHE in the back with a knife.
HE covers her mouth and walks her out the door.
He creeps back in and looks at the audience and puts his finger over his mouth to indicate, “SHHH”.”
He waves his hands and disappears.)
PRIVATE EYE
I just don’t see.. Ah yes!
(PRIVATE EYE finds book and holds it up. PRIVATE EYE opens the book and turns around.)
See! I was voted most popular in P.I. online university! Where’d she go? ... Now who's playing games?
(PRIVATE EYE grabs a coat from a coat rack and swings it over his shoulder and steps toward the audience and plays the narrator.)
I was going to call it a day. And then HE creeped in.
(PRIVATE EYE nods his head towards the door and steps back into the scene.)
HE
(HE creeps in on his tip toes and sways his arms like he is doing the thriller dance.)
Is this the strong-witted, distrustful, and surprisingly-competent-for-a-drunk, private eye?
PRIVATE EYE
Depends… you looking for a friend?
(Blackout.)
